INSECURITIES

If a woman feels like a lady and is able to celebrate herself, she will attract into her life people who reflect her own opinion of herself

As far back as I can remember I had struggled with insecurity in my life as a little girl we moved around a lot and making friends at new schools was such a battle that I chose not to have friends, my best friend was my grandfather until he passed away, then we moved to the Free State and I went into high school there I made 2 very good friends of which one is still very much part of my life. With been raped I had to deal with another sort of insecurity and that was would any other man accept me, this spun me into a deep pit of looking for security and love in the wrong places and with the wrong motives, firstly in the church always with the intention of getting position and then in my social life getting mixed up with the wrong group of friends and living absolutely a double life and standard.

As I grow up I had to deal with my mother not having a positive outlook herself I came to the place that if I dressed nicely I was judged as looking for men, if I did not do things according to her expectations I was judged as lazy and self righteous, the church was thrown in my face constantly and only when I met my first husband did I feel that I was now accepted but this to was short lived and down in to this spiral of insecurities again. After 7 years of marriage and 3 beautiful children, my marriage ended in disaster and this time I was in such a mess, I was insecure as a women and started looking for love and acceptance all over again this time in sex and alcohol, it was such a downward spiral that I would sleep with a man go home, feel so unworthy and then look for the next man to make me feel worthy, but some where some one had always kept an eye on me, and I took my bible out of sheer frustration and began to write in the back of my bible about what I wanted in a man, and God that is always faithful send Fred along a man that is stable and absolutely a pillar of strength. Here this man that was never married before (one of my requests I did not want an ex wife on the scene) took my three children and me as if we had always been one happy family, many people today are quite shocked when they hear that Fred is the adopted dad to these three children. Slowly with the help of God started to piece together the story of my life and Fred had study physiology and social work but never finished his degree, was my own psychologist, and literally we would sit at night on the couch and he would council me and I was on the road to recovery, we entered ministry shortly after we where married and I plunged my heart and soul into it, I had this emotional vacuum still and all the attention and people that needed my help just catered for this vast vacuum, it felt as if inside of me I was beginning to live and live on the need that people had for me to fulfil, after a few years we moved down to Empangeni and pastored our own flock and been young and I think very immature move things came apart at the seams, and you get to a place in your life when you are at a face place with God, I only then really came to terms with who I am, I looked into the mirror and here before me stood a women that I did not recognise I was fat very fat I weighed about 106kg and my hair was unkept and I looked a mess, my home was in a disaster area, the garden looked like the jungle book and our children where in a mess. The one thing that I did have to cling on to was my relationship with Jesus, and the Holy Spirit reminded me of the words that He gave me in Ezek 16: 8-14.”You became mine. I gave you a good bath cleansing off all the old blood and anointing you with aromatic oils. I dressed you in a colorful gown and put leather sandal on your feet. I gave you a linen blouses
And a fashionable wardrobe of expensive clothing. I adorned you with jewellery. I placed bracelets on your wrists, fitted you out with a necklace, emerald rings, sapphire earrings, and a diamond tiara. You were provided with everything precious and beautiful. You where absolutely stunning. You were a Queen! (Princess).”

I want us to have a look at what God is saying here,
1. I became His, just because I had become His did not mean that I had no part to play in me been made whole I had to take stock of my life and the insecurities that I had to face, like been a woman that has a right to walk with her head held up high, to get rid of the things like pride and jealousy which played a major part in my life, only the other day did I realise that I had grow in this area. I saw some one sitting that use to be in our church and was very much part of our old leadership speaking to someone that is near and dear to me and I stood there at first waiting for the anger and jealousy to rise up in me as it would have in the past and there was nothing, it was quite unnerving in the beginning but now realise that God has helped me over that curb stone or stumbling block.

2. He anointed you with oil, to me this is like going to a spa or a beautician, as He anoints the spirit and looks after me I have a part to play by looking after myself, at the time where I felt my life had once again come undone, my self image was very low and I did not look or feel good, food had become my source of comfort and healing which just open even bigger insecurities in my life, slowly I started to adjust my eating style and watch what I wear and started to look after my skin, we only have one skin. You know that as I started to look after myself people noticed a change in my two girls especially my eldest she has started to look at the way she dresses definitely become more feminine in what she is doing. It is wonderful to be a woman; we don’t need insecurities in our live to way us down.

3. I dressed you in a colourful gown; this to me is not only what we have on but our disposition (nature) as well, we all like been around someone that is cheerful and positive, when we have insecurities in our lives we become catty and down right rude, instead of us drawing people closer to us we cause them to run from us making that feeling of unworthiness even greater. That is where I was if someone did not see things as I saw them then I would cut that person out and even try to get everyone that was close to me to feel the same about this person. I had to see that I could still be a friend with people even if I did not agree with them.

4. He put leather sandals on my feet, no where does Jesus say that this road we travel called life would be easy but He will equip us with the power to walk on it, He place people around us where we can learn, in all this time of struggle, God placed people that had different perspectives on life in my path, a good friend taught me about the keys to my own happiness, about getting my home in order, having goals and vision for my future, not just spiritually but life; getting the cupboard neaten out, spending time playing games with our children, and taking care of myself. When our homes are in order we don’t have the insecurity of not feeling good enough to have people visit in our homes, I was there I know how it feels, as if you are not good enough so neither is your home.

5. Then came the finer things in life the jewels and to me that is the precious things that help me over come the insecurities in life, for instance really listening when Fred speaks not to interrupt when he is saying something that I find not important or not the same as what I think it should be, when I can allow myself the time to be on my own with out thinking no one loves me, when I see friends together and not wondering if they speaking about me, but been able to let them just be together, something that I would have never been able to do in the past.


Our lives are jewels to us let us go out there and gather those ones that are the most precious to us around and let us be life to them, let us work on the insecurities that are in our lives so that we as women can be the strength and fragrance of beauty in our homes, inside each one of you is a women of destiny just waiting to emerge.