Monday, November 5, 2007


My heart is so fragile as I write this that I might be reduced to tears again, not tears of sorrow but of joy, for many years of my life I have found it difficult to express sorrow or even tears of anger or even joy. I could always feel them brimming up and almost reaching my eyes but never the full cry that just comes from your heart.

Many years back I was taught that tears were superficial and flesh nothing to do with spirit and I must say I have battled when people have cried while bringing a prophetic word or even sharing their heart in front of a church. How I have missed out on so much! For the last four weeks Alex our senior pastor has been speaking about a new season and has just been crying out for the Holy Spirit to come a fall on us a fresh, this Sunday his wife Michelle preached as she has just come back from a conference called Glory and Grace. She spoke from her heart, about how as a little girl she would be so filled by the presence of the Holy Spirit that at times her parents would have to carry her home because she could not walk, but that went missing and her life was just life no walking in the presence of God, having quiet times and all that but the tangible presence was not there, but I am not doing her sermon justice you can listen to it here:

As she spoke something caught in my heart and tears gently started to fall from my face and I could still control them, then I bowed my head and asked Jesus just to make Himself real to me again in away that I could walk with Him and be so depended on the Holy Spirit again that I would not just have all the right things to say or the right spiritual attitudes but that I would truly walk by the spirit and not by sight that I would be so enthralled by Him that I would be a woman of faith more then anything else, that I wouldn’t be one of those old time Christian woman that when someone gets saved I will say well I was once like that but they will calm down NO WAY don’t calm down become more passionate and more on fire with each passing day! Well the dam walls broke I don’t think I have ever cried in my life like I did yesterday it felt like raw pain coming from deep inside my body, and that scripture in Psalm that says deep cry unto deep took on new meaning for me. I cried that my face was one watery mass, it looked like I had wet my pants because the puddle that was under my feet was so large, I felt as if the Holy Spirit had taken my hand and lead me back to every part in my life where I had felt alone or a failure. And as He took my hand and my heart cried for every event in my life until the tears where no longer of sorrow but of peace a cry that once I was lost at sea and now I have been found they where tears of relief of thankfulness that I have not been abandoned to the grave or that I would have to suffer shame or decay but that I have been given freely a life of grace and salvation where my eyes is faced on eternity. I want to be in that place where whatever I do I am so aware of the Holy Spirit and that I can ask Him help me even in the small decision to the big decisions of what to preach at the ladies events that we are going to host.

Today my heart is so thankful that I am back in the place of walking knowing that I don’t do it by myself but that I have a friend that is closer then a brother.

I have added some songs to my blog and the first two speak for themselves but the last one might be a bit strange its called “I wish I was a punk rocker with flower in my hair” it just spoke to me about been you and if I wanted to wear flowers in my hair then that is what I should do. I have been restored instantly on Sunday and now I don’t have to wish to be a punk rocker but I can be that girl that loves to dance barefoot in front of God and sing at the top of her lungs and just enjoy been Fathers little girl again running into His throne room with flowers in my hair. Knowing that in His presence I will find myself been radiant.


darla said...

i didn't cry for most of my life, i was taught that it is a sin of weakness...needless to say when the Lord grabbed my heart HE made me cry, and it seems that I am now the biggest cry baby! Love how free HE makes us to be who HE made us to be.

Pastor Lisa said...

Deborah what a beautiful testimony. I am so glad for what our Jesus did for you.

Janet said...

Debs, Sunday was an awesome time, hey?!
I could not talk to anyone without the tears starting to flow again. I tried so hard to explain to Emma that they were tears of joy and not sorrow but I just couldn't get it out without blubbing again - needless to say she looked very confused!
I've been moved to tears on more than one day of our 'homework' this week and I'm so excited at what God is doing......