Wednesday, September 19, 2007

TRANSPARENT - HERE I AM



Girls, Dolla’s, friends this morning I want to share something with you, well first you will have to go and read a good friend of mine (have never meet face to face however like minded woman of God) blog you can click here:

As I read it I felt the Holy Spirit whisper in my ear take note of this I am speaking to you through this. For many years of my life I was a PW (pastors wife) and grew up in a culture of not been transparent as you would hurt the sheep and to a degree that is the truth but we where never encouraged to share our hearts honestly with anyone else and never ever another pastor or his wife as that would bring shame on you. Even though the word clearly tells us that we need to be transparent one to another. I sat for quite along time contemplating this whole idea of been transparent, and I must admit I am afraid even sometimes of my own transparency as then I would have to face some issues maybe I am not ready to face. However the word also tells me that once I have repented I have been for given and I must walk away and live healed (paraphrasing as usual).

So I am going to share my life with you from now on, here on my blog not just the highs but my lows as well. Please pray with me that I will be able to come to a place where I can be transparent no matter what I face.

Like having to go on new medication because instead of me losing weight and having my thyroid sorted I have gained, with really and truly nothing in my closet to wear as I have to minister on Saturday at a WOW conference and feel like a total failure in my weight side of the story, which has been a struggle for as long as I have been living in Empangeni which is 7 going on 8 years. I am fine in my spirit and I am fine emotionally in other areas and don’t want a sermon on this just that I felt that I had let my self my hubby and even God down in my weight area, and Fred is fine with me he loves me and says that no matter what my size he loves me the person. I hear what he is saying but when I look in the mirror I am sick to my stomach, I hate the way I look, how can I say I love someone if I don't even love myself, I have such a good mask that I wear that no one knows the hate I have for my body, there are many nights I cry myself to sleep because of the weight issue, where I don't want my husband to touch me because I feel fat old and in a mess. I love this man of mine and sexually he satisfies me in every area (wow, that felt good) but I put up the barriers because I feel unworthy of his love and affection of my body when all I can see if fat and more fat. I don't want to put on the beautiful lingerie that I have to wear because all I see is fat rolls coming out where the lace parts... so dear girls I am going to get the better of this and as the word say what comes into the light the enemy can not hold you too. (my words)

Yesterday I had to take Mr. Mark Spark to the doctor as he is really battling with sinusitis, while we where there a friend of mine called to chat and told her what I was going through she suggested I ask about my tests again and ask him to put me on a different medication called Tertoxin. So I spoke to him and he was not so impressed with the idea, however after my tearful expression of how I hate been over weight he has given me this new medication, the side effects says wait for it … … weight loss hello think the doctor is needing to go and see a optometrist so girls I will now start a memoirs of a fading fatty. So girl here I sit before you praying that I don’t lose heart and that I will become glass transparent to the end. My darling Fred is going to be in for quite a ride excuse the pun. (giggling in my new found freedom)

Love always me

8 comments:

Mindy said...

Thanks for such transparency. I agree that God wants us to be transparent.
Praying for you in this!
Blessings!
In HIM -
Mindy

Jen said...

Thank you for this post. As a leader in ministry and the church....though not a Pastor's wife, I have been very annoyed during various seasons, at the facades I seem to come up against....the seemingly superficial. Though I have often had "pastor's wives" confide in me privately, I have hated the day to day shallowness. I understand a little better through these writings why this is at it is.
I LOVE transparency, though have learned to know who you are being transparent with (or not to worry about the reprocussions).
Though I understand why in some circles, we only seem to be able to go so deep....I am most satisfied when as your friend quoted George Eliot, there is a trust that the words, even with the chaff, will be sifted...and only that worth keeping will be held on to.
Bless you as you endeavor to show transparency....I have had many people thank me, not for being a "Spiritual looking" leader, but for transparency, for being as real as possible...it seems to give hope, that to me, is far more satisfying than a polished reputation.
Big hugs from Canada...

Anonymous said...

You are, as always a huge (pardon the pun) inspiration, and i am very proud of you. Just remember that laughing burns more calories than frowning - time for a little girl-time, maybe?
Love and pink bubbles
Ve

Anonymous said...

Hi My friend

Never stop believing in your self. It is great being transparent that way God can work through us. It has taken me 1 year to loose 13kg I am down 5 pants sizes. For 12 years I struggled with my weight thyroid and hormone problems. The Holy Spirit is so precious He gives us Wisdom in any situation. Steve and I are currently launching our Ministry called the Daniel Generation to do with Nutrition and the Body of Christ.We are starting up a Nutrition Home group at our Church. I went to see a Hormone Specialist(Endorcinologist) before I started the Nutrition change, well all I can say are the results are wow. When the Holy Spirit speaks we listen, I sure did and the results are great. A year ago I was in a size 24 trousers Iam now fitting into a 16 and going into some 14 all I can say is Thank you my Jesus that you give me the strength each day. Steve has Lost 21kg in a year just following correct Nutrition he started in a 42 trousers and is now into a 32 trousers. He was very ill and He started seeking the Heavenly Father for answers and rest is History. Will email some more info. Get yourself the book called the Hallelujah Diet it is wow. God sent to the body of Christ. I love you my friend and hope this will inspire you if I could do it after all my frustration you can 2 I believe in you. You must exercise its very important that's how the inches come off. Mish

Nise' said...

It is with tears that I read your post! I can so relate in this area of feeling like I have let my God, my husband, my kids and family down because of some extra lbs and hating myself because of it. Thank you for being transparent!

Sharon said...

I know your struggle.
For years I hated myself. And, at that time my husband did not help.
The thing that still gets me is the failure. I know what is right and yet I am still not there.
You are not alone.
I understand.
What holds me together is remembering HE loves me period.
I feel ya girl!

Debbie said...

Wow, came across your blog when on CWO. I clicked on it because we share the same name Debra.. (I tell my mom she had no originality when she named me :D)

Anywho, I was pleasantly suprised to hear that you are struggling with thyroid, weight issues and what to wear when you minister. I am struggling with all three too... Well Keep plugging all long and God can get us through these struggles DEB!!! God bless ya Sistah!!

DJDEB

Gretchen said...

Deborah, I haven't been by in a while, and have missed saying hello. You are soooo preaching to the choir, girlfriend! I will be glad to be an accountability partner with you each week, if that's something you would like. My email is gretchenDOTHannaATcomcastDOTnet

BTW, the picture of you and your man in the previous post is so good. I don't see a "fatty". I see a beautiful couple.