Girls, Dolla’s, friends this morning I want to share something with you, well first you will have to go and read a good friend of mine (have never meet face to face however like minded woman of God) blog you can click here:
As I read it I felt the Holy Spirit whisper in my ear take note of this I am speaking to you through this. For many years of my life I was a PW (pastors wife) and grew up in a culture of not been transparent as you would hurt the sheep and to a degree that is the truth but we where never encouraged to share our hearts honestly with anyone else and never ever another pastor or his wife as that would bring shame on you. Even though the word clearly tells us that we need to be transparent one to another. I sat for quite along time contemplating this whole idea of been transparent, and I must admit I am afraid even sometimes of my own transparency as then I would have to face some issues maybe I am not ready to face. However the word also tells me that once I have repented I have been for given and I must walk away and live healed (paraphrasing as usual).
So I am going to share my life with you from now on, here on my blog not just the highs but my lows as well. Please pray with me that I will be able to come to a place where I can be transparent no matter what I face.
Like having to go on new medication because instead of me losing weight and having my thyroid sorted I have gained, with really and truly nothing in my closet to wear as I have to minister on Saturday at a WOW conference and feel like a total failure in my weight side of the story, which has been a struggle for as long as I have been living in Empangeni which is 7 going on 8 years. I am fine in my spirit and I am fine emotionally in other areas and don’t want a sermon on this just that I felt that I had let my self my hubby and even God down in my weight area, and Fred is fine with me he loves me and says that no matter what my size he loves me the person. I hear what he is saying but when I look in the mirror I am sick to my stomach, I hate the way I look, how can I say I love someone if I don't even love myself, I have such a good mask that I wear that no one knows the hate I have for my body, there are many nights I cry myself to sleep because of the weight issue, where I don't want my husband to touch me because I feel fat old and in a mess. I love this man of mine and sexually he satisfies me in every area (wow, that felt good) but I put up the barriers because I feel unworthy of his love and affection of my body when all I can see if fat and more fat. I don't want to put on the beautiful lingerie that I have to wear because all I see is fat rolls coming out where the lace parts... so dear girls I am going to get the better of this and as the word say what comes into the light the enemy can not hold you too. (my words)
Yesterday I had to take Mr. Mark Spark to the doctor as he is really battling with sinusitis, while we where there a friend of mine called to chat and told her what I was going through she suggested I ask about my tests again and ask him to put me on a different medication called Tertoxin. So I spoke to him and he was not so impressed with the idea, however after my tearful expression of how I hate been over weight he has given me this new medication, the side effects says wait for it … … weight loss hello think the doctor is needing to go and see a optometrist so girls I will now start a memoirs of a fading fatty. So girl here I sit before you praying that I don’t lose heart and that I will become glass transparent to the end. My darling Fred is going to be in for quite a ride excuse the pun. (giggling in my new found freedom)
Love always me