Sunday, February 17, 2008

I AM FAT AND NOT SO FABULOUS



I have to admit I seem to come back to the place time and time again. I find myself always dieting and then falling of the wagon so many times I don’t care to even count them anymore. Every morning I wake up with the intention that today I am going to do something about my health, this week passed I was off work for three days which started with a migraine and me going to see my doctor as I was so exhausted after the migraine at the moment I feel like his guinea pig, he tells me my happy hormone levels are low and I need a pick me up (plain language I am depressed) oh yeah… right so depression makes my heart rate rise to 170HRM when at my age it should not exceed 145HRM, I don’t want to go to the gym and feel like I am dying after not even 10 min of cardio… how do you get to the place where you can go to gym and just come back feeling alive and ready for anything it takes me about 3 days just to recover from one round of 45 min.

I had a friend call me and say bottom line is your fat and need to lose weight… I made as if it didn’t hurt but you know what it hurt like hell to hear it from her… I know I am fat! Its easy to say join a club get on a diet… there are just something’s that will have to wait for me to join a club I don’t have the finances right now… I would rather see my children going to good schools and Kirsty doing her dance classes. We are not battling financially but we don’t have the extra cash to join either WW or the Firm or what ever else is going on in the diet world. I would love to join weight watchers and I know that many of my friends are doing well on it but I just don’t have the extra right now. We have a good medical aid, which enables us to go to a very good gym, but what does it help me right now when I am not getting the eating right. I don’t eat all that wrong but yet the weight seems to stay put.

I am desperate at this moment in time, after the phone call I went to the room and just stared at myself in the mirror, staring back at me was a person I don’t recognize, what happened to me, in the space of one phone call I went from I am okay to what has the cat dragged in! I don’t want to be here again, my heart is rendered before you dolla’s today, please pray for me give me advice help me. I don’t want to live in my world of one slipper and one high heel.

I don’t need deliverance please I just need sound advice. I look at the pictures I have on my blog and I want to cry at times because I know a slimmer woman then the one staring back at me from these pictures. I have to lose about 25kg I guess in pounds that would be almost 55 I think. It’s a lot of fat to haul around all day long. No wonder my heart is racing and trying to get blood to all the body parts. My mood seems to fit the fat at the moment too, lumpy bumpy and no even textures for me! My heart feels think my thighs hails stones have dented the thighs and words have dented my heart! We watched a movie called Norbit and I feel like the female character huge and so ugly. Okay maybe I need those happy hormone things now!

I know Jesus loves me just as I am and so does my Fred but he doesn’t have to live in this body and Jesus knows my heart He know I know he loves me, but right now I need to love me again. And this is where I need your help. So dolla’s I am all ears to hear what you have to say.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Debs

I was at that place I have lost 20kg just following correct Nutrition and allowing the Holy Spirit to guide me. I have done all the diets you can think of as soon as you get off them its all back on. I exercise about 4 times a week most of that is walking about 30 min a day 3 times a week.There are no short cuts exercise is so important. I have got to a point where I am standing still in my weight but have have not picked up any of the wieght I lost. I drink alot of water and stick to my healthy Nutrition every day it is a life style my friend there are no short cuts. I know how you feel I got to a point where I could not look at myself i was so unhappy but my Heavenly Father new about it and gave me a husband that is so supporting. steve has reached his goal weight in less than a year. We run a Health and Nutrition Ministry at church the Lord has blessed us both restroing our health. Yes I do get days when my hormone's get out of place I'm only human. One thing I can say being on natural hormone creams healp alot. I have battled with my weight in over 12 years and only now am i loosing only because of a change in my eating habits. We follow a Bible Nutrition course called Nutrition 101 full of scripture the Lord loves us and gives us wisdom. When I get to a point where I get dishearted I go to my Heavenly Father in prayer and He helps me I learn something new everyday. My friend you are precious to Jesus and He loves you so much you can do it, our battle field is our mind when we can get that in line God can work miracles with us and through us. I love you so much hang in there. Mich

Jen said...

Deb

I very much understand your struggles as I face the very same ones myself. I don't yet have a lot of answers. I thought I did, I had been anorexic as a teen and had avoided dieting as an adult, knowing where it could lead me. I also watched my mom's struggles and yo-yo effects of dieting all of her life.
Last year about this time I had had enough and did some research then tried low carb/low GI. I lost 25 pounds...that was great, until I went to my new family Dr. and found out my BP had sky Rocketed...he is testing now, which is good as I have never had my thyroid or anything else checked, but as I await results, I got mad at the devil....I knew he was trying to rob me on so many levels. So, I thought, Fine! I will do what I know I can do, and trust the rest to God. (I am a bit of a fighter). I knew that my new eating plan had allowed a lot of fat and salt, so thought, this could be the problem. I had a gym membership, so I made a commitment to myself and an appeal to my blogger friends for accountability, and decided I would dramatically reduce my salt and go to the gym 5 days a week getting my heart rate up a min. of 30 min.each time. I have tested my BP repeatedly over these 2 weeks and my BP went from "through the roof high" to within normal ranges.
I am waiting to talk to my Dr. about test results, because my frustration now lies in actually finding a healthy eating plan that still causes me to lose the rest of the weight that would bring me to a healthy size...physically and mentally.

I have to agree with your other commenter, this is so much a mind game, I think determining that you will get answers is a great place to start...When I started at the gym, I thought I would die. I hated all of the mirrors and the "tight butts", made me feel fatter, but I determined that I wouldn't give up. THat too, became a battle in the mind, even over the one in my body....I started out doing what I could at the pace I could, and challenged myself to do a little more, when it became not so hard.
I do know exercise alone, is not the answer...nutrition plays a huge part, I still have to figure that out for me, hoping the Dr. will have some answers, I have discovered that I will gain weight on even the most healthys breads....I love 12 grain breads, but these so called "healthy" breads" love my hips way too much.

MAybe we can partner up in this search for our healthy life style changes....and at the very least, encourage one another to keep fighting.
I'll be including you in my prayers for answers.

With Love from Canada
PS: It is some times so easy for those who do not struggle with weight issues to have all the answers or to say unkind things...maybe thinking they are helping...but it is so hurtful...praying for your wounded heart as well.

Deanna Shrodes said...

I understand your struggle as I live it every day. I am with you and am here to help in any way I can.

Love you

Darla said...

I am trying to lose 6o pounds and it is hard!! But girl when I look at your pics, I think you are beautiful, and fat does not ever cross my mind! God says The King is enthralled by your beauty!!